With my one-year wedding anniversary already here and gone (June 17, I’m a little behind! It’s been a busy busy summer!), I can’t help but look over this past year and reflect on the things I’ve learned.
The things I said or didn’t say. The things I saw. The things I heard. The things I was told a marriage would be in the first year.
The main thing I was told: the first year would be the hardest.
My mind would always stumble over the dreaded complications of the first year of marriage so many others joked about.
But really, are they joking?
“The first year of marriage is the hardest.” For me, this seems a little outdated. I’m assuming this was a common phrase when couples didn’t cohabitate before marriage like most do today.
Each year, more and more couples see cohabiting as the next logical step in their progressing relationship. It’s a smart way to test the waters and see just how compatible the two of you can be living together.
Its what my husband and I did, and so many (if not all) of our married or soon to be married friends did, too.
If anything, I think the phrase should now read as “the first year living together is the hardest.”
But for so many couples the former phrase is still the case.
But why?
A lot of couples still consider the first year of marriage as the hardest.
Living together with someone means you discus finances, debt, family plans, work schedules, future plans, etc. These aren’t topics that should remain under the rug until you both say “I do”.
By the time you get married all of those topics should have frequently come up, and if they haven’t – are you sure you’re comfortable with the person you are living with enough to marry them?
So why do so many couples still say the first year of marriage is the hardest, even after years of living together?
Some couples blame the hype of wedding planning, the big day, and the honeymoon as the culprit of their unhappiness in the first year. Once all of that is over, couples must fall back into their normal routines without the previous excitement livening up their daily lives.
All focus is now on everyday life, which is sometimes quite routine and not overly exciting each and every day.
Before you say “I do” check out these 5 ways to make your first year of marriage easy. Conquer the stereotype of a tough first year of marriage!
1. TALK ABOUT MONEY AND DEBT
Before marriage, what’s yours is yours, and what’s theirs is theirs.
But once you sign that binding contract, you share one another’s debt. It is important to have a game plan on money and paying the bills prior to marriage.
Will you continue to have separate bank accounts or open a joint account together? Will you contribute to one another’s debt or continue to pay on it alone?
One of you may like to spend, spend, spend, where the other likes to save every penny. Make sure you’re open about all finances.
2. HOUSEHOLD CHORES
Creating a routine with the daily chores and errands can save you and your spouse a major headache together.
Grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Who does what and when?
Don’t rely on one person to do everything, unless this has somehow been communicated and agreed on. Establish expectations and a schedule early on.
Ideally, split the chores and communicate with your partner if you feel things are not divided fairly. Maybe one of you loves to grocery shop and the other loves to cook.
Establish a plan that works best for the both of you.
3. SPEAK UP WHEN UPSET
Every relationship has its ups and downs.
A lot of these “downs” can easily be avoided by communicating. Small issues with easy solutions can sometimes go unmentioned the most.
Why?
Because at the time they’re small, insignificant to that day, and seem to not matter as much as the big issues.
However, the more times you ignore speaking up the more your negative emotions on the issue can build and build into a ticking time bomb.
For example, maybe you’re the only one that empties the dishwasher. This seems small and unnecessary to bring up. But over the course of one year, you may be ready to scream the next time its full of clean, ready to be put away dishes and your spouse is nowhere in sight.
Always speak up.
4. TAKE ALONE TIME
Everyone needs times to themselves.
You do, and your spouse does too – it is totally normal and healthy for your growing relationship.
You don’t have to do everything together, at all times in your home.
Taking time to yourself doesn’t mean you don’t want to be with your spouse, it means you want to be your best version of yourself with your spouse.
This also doesn’t mean you can’t be with your spouse when you’re not feeling yourself, but being alone can actually help you think more deeply, clearly, and reboot your mind. Thus, you can be your best self for your partner.
5. REMEMBERING THE SMALL GESTURES
Remember all the sweet things that brought you together in the first place?
Don’t stop doing those things. Ever.
Keep doing the things that made you fall in love from the beginning.
Here are some super easy ways to show your love for one another everyday:
- Write and hide a love note (just a post-it that says, “I Love You”)
- Use kind words, such as “thank you” and “please”
- Plan a weekly date night together
- Lend a helping hand (actions speak louder than words)
- Be observant and compliment more often
The most important thing to remember when getting married: no two marriages are the same.
Everyone’s relationship changes and develops in their own way in their own time. What works for your marriage may not work for someone else.
There really is no right or wrong way, as long as you and your spouse are happy together.
